Our taxi started crawling down a residential street, towards the furnished apartment we had booked from overseas. Graffiti was on the walls of the apartment buildings, and there was trash on the ground.
I thought, “Wasn’t this supposed to be a safe neighborhood? Should we be worried?”
Having to lug our four heavy suitcases (everything we had) up four flights of stairs was a real surprise since we thought we’d be on the fourth floor. Turns out the fourth floor means five floors up in Germany! Walking into our new apartment, I wanted to feel excitement, appreciation for how cute it was decorated, a sense of adventure. Instead I felt…empty. Alone.
“THIS is what we left everyone we know for? This glorified AirBnb? What have we done?”
It was the first of June, and gorgeous outside every day. We ventured out, to try to figure out buying food, getting toiletries, learning where the yarn shop and the board game store are (priorities).
Anyone we spoke to told us how lucky we were to be moving to Hamburg at the beginning of summer. Good weather! Sunny days! But all my husband and I felt was exhaustion and irritation. The sounds of German all around me made me feel like an alien on a different planet. The sun not going down until 11 pm and coming back up at 3 am was brutal on our jet-lagged bodies for weeks, and the sound of large groups of happy Germans floating through the air from the restaurant downstairs or passing us on the sidewalk made us feel like losers.
Anyone who looked at me and didn’t smile (most people, haha) seemed to me to be hostile, just another person who could see right away that I didn’t belong and wanted me gone. I had diarrhea every day (sorry, TMI). My shoulders and neck ached all the time, and my jaw was locked so hard I could barely chew. My husband and I sniped at each other daily.
What was happening? I had been looking forward to this move for so long, so why did it feel like I had made a huge mistake?
The Biology of Isolation: Why Your Body Feels Alone
When we lose our familiar social connections, even if it’s expected, our bodies react as if responding to a physical threat. This isn't metaphorical – it's biological. Research shows that social isolation triggers the same neural pathways as physical pain. Our bodies haven't evolved much since the days when social exclusion meant potential death, so they still react with the same urgency.
Think of your nervous system as an ancient security guard. When you're surrounded by your usual social circle, this guard is relaxed, allowing your body to operate in what we call the "social engagement system." But when you're isolated in a new country, your security guard goes on high alert, triggering what researchers call neuroception – your nervous system's evaluation of safety and threat.
Physical Manifestations: When Isolation Becomes Embodied
The effects of isolation on the expatriate body are unique because they combine standard stress responses with the specific challenges of navigating a foreign environment.
Here's what you might notice:
Tension Patterns:
- Chronic throat tightness (often correlating with the inability to speak your native language freely)
- Jaw clenching during attempted German pronunciation
- Upper back tension from unconsciously making yourself smaller in unfamiliar social situations
- Stomach clenching when faced with unfamiliar social customs
As Gabor Maté explains in "When the Body Says No," this physical tension isn't just about stress – it's your body's attempt to hold yourself together when your usual social supports are absent. The body literally takes on the work that community usually helps carry.
Autonomic Nervous System Responses:
- Heightened startle response in German-speaking environments
- Digestive issues (particularly noticeable around mealtimes, which might highlight social isolation)
- Sleep disruption (often worse during German holidays or festivals)
- Increased heart rate when hearing rapid German conversation nearby
So what does one do in this situation? Well, often, the body chooses for us, and it can look different for different people. See if you can recognize the differing stress responses for my husband and me:
Mike and I went to German class at the same school together, but that’s where the similarities in our days ended. He was in a higher level class than me (don’t judge me, lol) and he concentrated hard on learning German. Since he couldn’t work yet, he threw himself into making German his job. Every day he stayed at home, spending time on learning vocabulary and grammar, doing textbook exercises, watching YouTube videos about language learning, buying books in German to struggle through, etc.
And what did I do? Umm…not that. I spent a lot of my class time getting to know people in class, so you can guess how well I learned German those beginning months. I set up a Bumble BFF account and went on several “friend dates” per week. I RSVPed to BBA events, GGI events, Facebook Expat events, and lurked on message boards. I went out and sat in cafes and talked to the waiters (they were very nice about it, most of them weren’t German either). I ended up being the person in our home who would go out for groceries and run errands because I was desperate to interact with people.
I wanted to go out and explore the city, and Mike wanted to make our temporary furnished apartment feel more like home by optimizing things and putting up our own pictures. Mike said I wasn’t being serious about learning German and I’d never integrate that way, and I told him he was isolating himself too much and he would feel better if he made some friends. But really, we were both “right.”
Our bodies were doing what felt safest.
When Stress Makes Us Reach Out... Or Pull Away
Let's talk about these two instinctive responses:
The Connection Seekers
You know that friend who seemed to know half of Hamburg within their first month here? They're likely experiencing what scientists call the "tend and befriend" response. When stress hits, their body releases oxytocin (sometimes called the "bonding hormone"), which creates a strong urge to connect with others. It's like their nervous system is saying "Quick! Find your people!"
You might be experiencing this if you:
- Find yourself chatting with any English speaker you meet
- Joined multiple WhatsApp groups your first week
- Feel anxious when you don't have social plans
- Reach out to people even when you're exhausted
- Volunteer for everything, even if it's overwhelming
The Natural Withdrawers
On the flip side, maybe you're feeling the pull to cocoon in your apartment. This is equally natural - it's your body trying to conserve energy and protect you while you adjust. Think of it as your nervous system saying "Let's wait and watch until we know it's safe."
You might recognize this pattern if you:
- Feel overwhelmed by too much social contact
- Prefer to figure things out on your own
- Find comfort in setting up your home space
- Need lots of alone time to recharge
- Feel safest when maintaining your usual routines
While research suggests these patterns often fall along gender lines (with women more likely to seek connection and men more likely to withdraw), what really matters is understanding your personal pattern. Your response isn't about being "social" or "antisocial" - it's about how your nervous system naturally tries to keep you safe in a new environment. Neither pattern is better than the other, but both can become challenging if they go to extremes. The connection seekers might burn out from saying yes to everything and have difficulty prioritizing necessary tasks, while the withdrawers might miss out on support that could make their transition easier.
Working with Your Pattern
For the Connection Seekers:
- Notice when you're reaching out from genuine desire versus anxiety
- Build in regular alone time for processing and rest
- Remember that making friends in Germany often happens more slowly
- Create boundaries around your social energy
- Honor your need for connection while pacing yourself
For the Natural Withdrawers:
- Start small - maybe a regular café where you can be around people without pressure to interact
- Use structured activities (like language classes or sports) where social interaction has clear boundaries
- Give yourself permission to leave social situations when you need to
- Build connection at your own pace
- Remember that German culture often respects privacy and personal space
Remember:
Your body's response is trying to help you survive a big transition.
Whether you're naturally reaching out or pulling back, the key is to work with your pattern while gently expanding your comfort zone. Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is understand and work with our natural tendencies rather than fighting against them. Once you have a sense of which type you are, here’s some somatic exercises you can use to calm your body and help it feel safe. Use them as often as you need to!
Body-Based Tools for Social Balance: Simple Somatic Exercises
When your body feels overwhelmed (for Connection Seekers):
The "Bubble of Space" Exercise: Stand comfortably and imagine a bubble of personal space around you. Make it bigger or smaller with your breath. Notice how different sizes feel in your body.
The "Social Energy Battery" Check: Place one hand on your chest, one on your belly. On a scale of 0-100%, check your social energy. Your body will tell you!
Quick Recharge: Find a quiet bathroom or corner. Place your back against a wall, feel its solidity. Take 3 slow breaths. Let the wall support you completely.
When isolation feels too heavy (for Natural Withdrawers):
The "Friendly Observer" Practice: Find a comfortable café. Sit where you feel safe. Notice three things that feel pleasant about being around others, even without interaction.
"Expanding the Comfort Zone": Stand in your safe space. Imagine it as a circle. Take one tiny step to expand it. Notice how your body feels. Step back if needed.
The "Just One Thing" Challenge: Choose one small social activity daily - even just nodding to your neighbor. Notice how your body handles these small steps.
The nice thing to know is, you won’t always feel this way. As your body and mind adjust to the new sights, sounds, smells, and rhythms of your new country, your nervous system will relax as it realizes you are safe.
Two weeks after we arrived in Hamburg, it was my 41st birthday. A very lonely birthday, with none of my friends around me, but we made the best of it. Mike and I went to see a Wes Anderson movie in a theater (English with German subtitles…weird).
We marveled at the number of people out enjoying the balmy evening at the cafe tables outside, even when the movie was over at 10 pm. As we walked home from the S Bahn, he said, “Do you think it’s starting to feel more like home? I think I’m feeling a little better.” I looked around at the beautiful historic buildings, the cobblestone street, the full leafy trees glowing in the late sunset, and realized I knew the whole way home without checking Google Maps.
“Yeah,” I said, surprised. “It really is.”
About the author
Naomi is an American therapist in Hamburg, Germany, working with English speakers experiencing trauma, burnout, and the effects of being an expat in Germany.
Get to know more about Naomi and her counseling services here.
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